Whether I Sink, Whether I Swim

I've spent quite some time holding back my words and keeping them to myself. Internally processing and healing and preparing and now I'm finally ready to share again. So I hope that this encourages you and that you can consistently find me here instead of sporadically. We shall see! Enjoy!

“I have come to this place in my life

I’m full but I’ve not satisfied

This longing to have more of You

And I can feel it my heart is convinced

I’m thirsty my soul can’t be quenched

You already know this but still

Come and do whatever You want to

I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where I've never been

I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in

Let love come teach me who You are again

Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You

And all I wanted was just to be with You

Come and do whatever You want to

And further and further my heart moves away from the shore

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

And further and further my heart moves away from the shore

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free

I’m going under, I’m in over my head

And You crash over me, I’m where You want me to be

I’m going under, I’m in over my head

Whether I sink, whether I swim

Oh it makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

And whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

I’m beautifully in over my head

Beautifully in over my head”

Two days ago, my dear friend Hannah and I were hanging out and this song (In Over My Head - Jenn Johnson) came on. And she looked at me and said “you need to listen to this song.” And the more I listen to it, the more I realize that it encompasses exactly where I’m at currently.

Let me rewind for a minute. I’ve been to the ocean a few times in my life, but at the end of April, Hannah and I went on vacation and ended up at the ocean in Gulf Shores, Alabama. And while I was there, I soaked it all in. The sights, the sounds, the smells. I can still close my eyes and remember it all. And I do close my eyes. When the world is raging around me, I close my eyes and take myself right back to that beach. The beach where God seemed to speak louder. Where He started to call me deeper.

I was in college when the song “Oceans” made it’s debut. And I remember being so in love with the song. We sang it weekly at church and I probably listened to it on repeat a million times. And I started to pray those words. The words, “spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me, take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, where my faith would be made stronger, in the presence of our savior” And little did I know that as I prayed those words continually for years, it was God quietly and gently bringing me to a place where I would one day be in over my head in His love and grace.

I’ve come to this beautiful place as the years have passed where I’ve eased farther and farther into the water and now I’m too deep to touch the ocean floor. But I’m ready. I’m ready to swim. To explore. To live among the beautiful creatures of the sea. To go where God leads.

I’m in over my head. Brought to my knees in awe of a wondrous and faithful God. A God who relentlessly pursues. A God who comes to meet us as surely as the waters meet the shores. And I can’t do anything but sing praises to Him with tears streaming down my face because He has surpassed any expectation I could ever have.

Let Him in. Let Him take you underwater. Because just like the song says: whether you sink or whether you swim, nothing could be more beautiful than time with the creator of the skies and the seas and everything in between.

-Cal